Well ladies and gents that may actally still read this blog I have moved to the land of live journal by some poking and proding of a friend so I will give yea the link if you are still wanting to see what goes on in this little kenders life *S*

www.livejournal.com/users/lishakatz

Well Hank *S* today is a pretty good day even if I am feeling a little ill, got out of work early to try and shake it. But *S* as silly as it may seem and as wrong as I know it should be I feel pretty good because I am fitting a pair of pants a little better, not enough that I would be comfortable wearing them out in public but still it is a start huh?

Not a heck of a lot going on other then the typical up and down my moods have been doing but that is not nessasaraly a bad thing, it also means nothing bad happened.

Today is Thursday and I wish I could find someone to take seth for the night, I would love to go out with nolan but we can't find anyone to take him so I guess it means I stay home. Oh well.

hmm what to say what to say. I had this grand idea that I would type up something soulful and meaningful but well nothing is coming. Hehe just one of those days I guess. I tend to keep my rants like that to my friends as I tend to feel silly typing it out and finding out i really wasn't saying anything.

Ah yes the lesson of the day, I need to stop comparing myself to others, they are not me and I am not them. I am my own person with family and friends that love me for who I am and that is all I need. Now to remember this when my mood is down *G* but for now I am in a good mood.

TTFN

Well, this week had started out a good one, well I should say most of last week was a good one for me in the my body isn't so bad mode.

But...while I was working today at the cell place it just washed over me that I don't like how I look and I don't think I look good at all. I walk down wyte to get to work and I see all these tinny little things strutting around, they get the whistles they get the looks. Don't get me wrong Hank I am more then happy with Nolan but you know it would be nice to be able to turn heads once in a while. Maybe feel attractive and desirable? Maybe a little alive again and feminine? I love my boss there she is a friend as well but she tells me about all these guys that flirt with her and what not, I am happy for her but still makes me feel even worse then before because she doesn't do anything really to get the attention she is just her, small, pretty, blond and smart.

Why should that bother me? I'm married he loves me, but, even he does not say I look pretty or something like that unless I ask how I look or he manages to get me to convince what has me so bummed.

I know Hank it sounds pretty petty and babyish but it is how I am feeling.

I want to crawl back into my place and just hide from the world again. I have a hard time with it especial towards the summer when people where less clothing and stuff.

Sometimes I am so jealousy I can taste it but for the most part I am happy from my friends and the attention they get. So I guess I will sit in the back ground and watch.

ttyl hank

*sighs* Well Hank, things are getting even more fucked up with this howl family thing, we finaly had to go to the police to make sure what our rights are, and what we can do about Randy and Coreen. We were told not to talk to them anymore, if they call tell them not to call and hang up, record what was said and when they called, As well we found out what nolans rights are when he is at work and what not since they call him there and go there to sometimes so far they haven't but this isn't over. Iknow this. but now I need to watch my back nolans back and most of all little mans back. But I think the stress of it all and the fact my joints hurt really bad at the moment last night and I was really bummed. Was wanting to do something stupid but didn't. I just want it all to be over and things get back to normal.

I also have to watch out if She calls SS on us to get at us but as I said before she is a nut bar hell she thinks he has mulitpul personalities and she can cure it. *shakes head*

Oh well,

Oh I have a new job it is only 7-11 but I am enjoying it so far.

Well better get going I have work to do and my wrists are hurting so I am going to rest them.
TTFN

Oh Hank how pissed off have I been all week?!

That was nothing, now the hole shit pile has gone deeper. We have been having troubles with my sister in law and father in law. We have decided that our little man will no longer see his Grandfather. I will not go into details as compleatly why other then he is not a good man at all and we will not risk losing our little guy to SS. His sister feels she has the right to over look what we set out as rules for seth if we are not with her and beable to chose who he can and cannot be around AKA her dad. She is also filling his head with bull shit, yes Hank I swore, telling him that the games mommy plays are evil and tells him that he should tell me not to play any more. She is a ratical born again christian and is also saying that he is being tormented by deamons and is possesd. That he is the reincarnated of her child ( she had an abortion when she was younger) and has more then once acussed us to others with thinly vailed accusations of something going on in our home that shouldn't be. Yea right

Today he has gone to the police and complaned that we took visitation away as well as a few other things twoards my aunt in law ( a wounderful woman)

*sighs* I was ready to do a full out rant tonight but I just feel ill to my belly because I know this is not the end of it. We have told Day Care that the two of them and their sig others may have no contact with them and if they try to take him to call the cops and then daddy because he is easier to get hold of then I am during the day even if they don't manage to do it. I think I am going to go and get ready for bed and just try and relax some but the war has just begun.

Hey Hank.

Gah! Had my first day back at work this morning and god I am tired. 3:30 am should be illigal. But I had a really hard time getting to bed lastnight so I am going to do my best to hit the hay erlier tonight. I don't think I will have any problems falling asleep tonight.

I enjoyed myself today and I guess that is what is important, got my work done and didn't hurt myself. Yay me! The pay is okay and it is only five to six hours a day so I really can't complane to much but what I am trying to figure out what I am thinking about getting a second job on top of a very physical one? Well it is only one day a week and it is data entry so not overly taxing but i will be heading to that job on mondays right after the one I already did.

What also sucks is I have to drop out of the D&D game nolan is running because there is no way I can stay up as late as the game tends to run, like I said 3:30 comes up on you really fast expeshaly for mondays now.

Oh well I will get to see my friends before I head off to bed and if they and nolan are having fun that is all that matters to me.

Sucks though I am to tired and I won't be able to make it to the pub tonight even though it is my turn. I have to get my sleep schedual ontop of it's self so maybe my next turn I will be able to even if it isn't for long. One sleepy day at work won't kill me hehe just not today.

Well I should get going maybe try and tiddy the house u...naw not today. Gonna sit on my butt in front of the comp until I have to get seth and then plop it back down here while I play with him on the floor then go to bed. Oh what a life but hey it means we have some money at the end of paying rent and assorted bills and maybe even be able to go and get things again with out having to steal from petter to save paul.

Tata

*moan* okay Hank, why am I doing this to myself?

I just did a 30 minute exercise tape, well really its 50 but I only got through 30 of it and that isn't to bad since the last time I actually did it I only got through 15 of it and that was almost a month ago but I tell you. Hehe it hurt and left me feeling rather ill to my belly....I wonder if you are supposed to feel like that, some how I dodo it. I was rather dissapointed in myself for a bit before I got into the shower. I really wanted to get through all 50 minutes but while I was under the water I thought about it. I hadn't touched that tape in a month at least, I hadn't been to the gym for almost two weeks due to being lazy and conflicting schedule with my gym buddy. *waves* hey crystal. But I did pretty good all the same. Nolan and I are going to go for a very long walk tonight too since we do not have the little man *S* I am really thinking of going the LA diet center and price out the cost of me losing 30 pounds. I know someone who has lost nearly that much in such a short time and she looks friggin amazing. Hey MM you are doing great (not that you read this I think but all the same way to go)

Nolan isn't overly thrilled with me going there he keeps telling me to do the gym thing and just watch what I eat but it is hard. Anita gave me a bunch of those meal replacement shakes but I can't even gag them down. Maybe I can try the slimfast pre made stuff but MM said that they were bad for you.

Gah I don't know what to do, well I do but I don't know how to do it without Nolan getting mad. I am doing this for myself, I may not be obese but I am over weight and by goddess by next summer I will look fanfuckingtastic for our handfasting renewal even if it kills me.

I have started by cutting out pop and sweets from my diet though I did have a moment of weakness and had a cinnamon bun from the doughnut places across the street. But all things considering I am doing pretty good. Now I have to cut juice out of my diet to now. I don't drink the sugar water juice that Nolan drinks, I find it to sweet anyways but I mean regular fruit juice, there is a lot of sugar there too.

Smaller servings and supposed to have six small meals through the day rather then the three large ones. But it really feels like I am eating all day. I don't like it, doesn't feel like I am dieting.

I am supposed to take out the bread and pasta in my diet but it really doesn't leave me much to eat outside of this. Maybe just smaller potions.

Ouch I think I hurt my back doing the tape. I should maybe watch that and stretch a little more.

So if anyone has any suggestions let me know *S*

TTYL